My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol