sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.