Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Any refunds available?…