If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
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bad news gang
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
channeling her this year
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me