Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*