Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
You Might Also Like
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.