boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.