[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
PLOT TWIST:
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Twitter remains undefeated
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?