I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live