ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
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[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.