I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
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96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!