I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
You Might Also Like
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
We’ve all been there
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.