My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
🍛
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.