I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Many hands make light work
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*