Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”