I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant