5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
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99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I had to Stop for this
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Saturday
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.