Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.