It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family