Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
found my next D&D character name
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.