person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for