the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
they split up moments later