“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]