Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Hey i am sexy to you now
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal