CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.