Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
😂😂
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
good for her