“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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best first i’ve ever seen
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession