Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
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You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who