me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
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You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Oh no
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.