I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
You Might Also Like
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit