I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil