welp
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet