*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.