Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
You Might Also Like
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.