this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
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tell em, edith-anne
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅