11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
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Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
This forever.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Just parrot things
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.