Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
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Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I got bills
They’re multiplying
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
5 ways to appear taller
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I think my mom just blocked me