If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable