women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Lmao
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?