GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50