okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…