Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.