in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.