We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Twitter remains undefeated
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.