NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
this is the best interaction on twitter
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If only.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.