me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
You Might Also Like
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
What if all the cashiers are married?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night