i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
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I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I thought this was funny lol
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.