If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
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Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird