FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
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“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
🤣🤣
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.