Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
You Might Also Like
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’M CRYINGGG
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
checking out some reviews of my local library
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
🙂🐾
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.